Ask a Spinster

We Interrupt the Letter of the Day for our Address on the Spinconomy

As your beloved Spinsters munch on their government cheese, eagerly awaiting to hear from Congress regarding the verdict on their proposed bailout application (we only asked for one billion, hardly a drop in the old bucket), we have been toying with our own version of economic salvation in these hard dating times.

How much will it cost you ask? 900 billion? 800 trillion? 10,100 gazillion? No ma’am, this is Spinster Nation, and in our land we say, “Yes we can!” with nary a penny out of a spinster’s webby wallet. We are taking a revolutionary 3-fold approach to dating in this difficult economy: It’s one part Speed Dating, one part J-Dating, and one part blind dating. Intrigued? Well break off a hunk of government Grade A Gouda and break out your free bank logo pens, fellow Spinsters, because we are going to school you in Spinsternomics 101.

Our motto for 2009 is “Back to Basics.” These days, when times are tight, Internet dating will only purge your wallet of those precious Benjamins that we Spinsters hold so dearly. Going out for drinks to mingle with eligible men? Not at $14 per Spinstertini. Tapping a hot guy’s bumper with your jalopy? That little “accident” will only spike your insurance rate. Instead, we have come up with a much more economical approach to dating in this world recession. Don’t search for Mr. Right – have him come to you.

For example: It’s Saturday night, you’re all alone in your cutest Juicy Couture sweats (that’s right, you don’t even have to waste your best outfit, who can afford the dry cleaning bills these days?) when all of a sudden you hear a noise outside. Is it an intruder? You panic. What do you do? You call 911. Suddenly, your apartment is swarming with hunky, heroic policemen. Not a drop of gas money wasted. And the best part? You know right up front that all of these men have jobs. Sure, there’s always the chance that you’ll get locked up for a while for a fraudulent call, but who’s to say that you didn’t hear footsteps? It’s your word against Mr. Handcuff. You can laugh about your ruse on your honeymoon.

Here are some other ways to “save” and still meet eligible men:

--Start a small, controlled grease fire in your kitchen. Firemen are hot – literally.

--Call 911 for a “symptom” that mysteriously disappears by the time the paramedics get to your home.

--Free estimates: call for bath fitters, deck resurfacing (don’t have a deck – who cares?), window replacement, pool installation, and so on.

--Is your cable “out?” Do you smell a “gas leak?” No hot water? Think, ladies, think!

If you’re not into the blue-collar type, we have a frugal way for Spinsters to meet eligible white-collar guys too. You’re going to have to spend a bit on gas money, but the rest is free:

--Personal injury attorney consults. Break out your neck brace! Note: most other types of attorneys charge a consult fee.

--Have good insurance? Take a trip to the emergency room. Perhaps that “headache” you have will put you in the path of a nice doctor.

--Inquire about a mortgage, CD, or other service with a bank manager. Get a free toaster or cup of coffee and a pen while you’re at it.

--Car dealers: Some are even paying YOU to test drive a car these days. This situation is ideal for the enterprising Spinster wishing to pick up some extra cash while she picks up a cute guy.

--Real estate agents: There’s always an empty foreclosure to explore!

--Boat dealerships are full of guys that probably aren’t hurting too badly from the recession.

Other free places where you can meet eligible guys: Home Depot, the animal shelter, carpeting stores, dry wall installation trade shows.

For legal purposes, the Spinsters would like you to know that we are not advocating that you do anything illegal or abuse your local public services. Did you know that you can get your blood pressure taken at any firehouse? You don’t even have to start a real fire – just the one in Mr. Fireman’s pants.

Thumbing through the Yellow Pages, 

The Spinsters

Confused Spinster

Dear Spinsters,   I’ve been talking to this guy for weeks that I met while shopping and he seemed really cool until the other night when he informed me that he is married, but has what he and his wife call an “open marriage.” I’m 41 and have never been married myself, so I’m not sure what an open marriage is all about. Do you think it would still be ok to meet him for drinks? Thank you -- I love you guys!  Chrissie in Atlanta Dear Swinging Door, No. NO. Just: no.  Locking the door and throwing away the key, The Spinsters

Spinster and the Uncomfortable Questions

Dear Spinsters--
 
What do I say in response to the frequently asked impertinent question, "Why didn't you ever marry?"  (note the past tense).  Sometimes people even ask me if I am gay, and I admit, sometimes I say "yes" just to stop their nosiness! I am "of a certain age" but I am happily, by choice, not married. 
 
Midwestern Spinster

 

Dear Unwed--

Ah, yes, the “why aren’t you married yet?” question. A question that will forever stick in the craw of the "unweddingly challenged." Our craws are overflowing with such questions, causing much pain and swelling -- and no craw ointment in sight. 

We have also been the recipient of the "are you a lesbian" question a few too many times as well. This thoughtful question is usually reserved for a large function, like a family or class reunion, or Thanksgiving dinner. Honey, it's just not a holiday until you’re weeping inconsolably into your Shawn Cassidy pillowcase, screaming, "I'm not a lesbian! I just can't find a freakin' boyfriend!" No matter how many times you play "I Think I Love You," Shawn isn't going to come waltzing in with a ring and save you from the Isle of Lesbos queries. Or was it David Cassidy who thought he might love us, but what was he afraid of? The Spinsters' old heartthrobs are getting mixed up in their dating-addled brains. 

You mentioned that sometimes you even "admit" that you’re gay, just to get people out of your business. We've never done that ourselves, but we're sure that it wreaks havoc over the turkey and stuffing. We'd love a YouTube video of that! We bet that it shuts Aunt Edna right up. There's nothing wrong with being gay, and the "admission" probably puts everyone right into their place. Serves 'em right for asking. Hey, you might as well break out a rainbow flag and really freak everyone out. 

But the questions "why aren't you married yet?" and "are you a lesbian?" are much less offensive than "why didn't you ever marry?" That's just plain rude. Have they all given up on you? Is it time to start adopting cats and letting your yard become overrun with weeds? You mention that you're not married by choice. More power to you, sister! Unfortunately, that's not our situation, but we're here to support our spinster sisters. Marriage probably isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway, right? We don't know for sure, but we're not naive -- we've seen what it did for Brittany and K-Fed. Shudder. 

Since we hadn't ever been asked the marriage question quite that way, we posed the question to ourselves: "Why haven't you ever married?" Meredith passed out and Nikki had to run for the smelling salts. Meredith came back to consciousness mumbling, "I do, I do, I do," clutching her head and yelling, "I wanted the eggshell veil with the pearl beading!" It seems that the question was too much for her. Nikki had to create a make-shift veil out of an egg carton just to calm Meredith down. Mer is now convalescing in an undisclosed location. We can't pose that question to her again. Her nerves aren't made for such stern stuff. It seems that the "yet" of the question is critical for most spinsters -- why aren't you married YET. Jeez, people, give us a break! 

As for you, our darling Midwestern Spinster, we say to just give 'em the finger. Yes, the bird. Flip them off. Your choices and your happiness are none of anyone's business. Aunt Edna can handle it. And if she can't, just tell her The Spinsters made you do it. 

Pleading the 5th, 

The Spinsters

Spinster Needs a Redbull

My Dear Spinsters in Comrade--

 

I first of all have to say – WOW.  I have read all of your posts and have one word to say, "brilliant!" Thank you, thank you for being spinster-sisters and inspiration to so many. Now for my question. I am at a cross-roads here. As a 36 year old spinster who prides herself in being therapized, self-aware, and with her own dating horror show, I am torn. I would love to be married and a mother . . . I have literally done everything in the past few years to make that happen (although I can still smell the desperation lingering in my laundry basket). Now, I feel done, although these wants of mine are still pretty pervasive. How does a spinster-in-arms rejuvenate after years of eHarmony, bad dates, all of the meters being awry (thanks for the Public Service Announcement), and the total calamity of dating in a city where dating is notorious? Other than "looking fertile" as one website states as their hallmark of advice, what are some promising ways of sanely getting out there again and hitting the pavement . . . without absolutely exhausting one's self?

Johanna 

Dear Technologically Exhausted--

First we must thank you for your kind words. Our Spinster hearts go out to you. And as your fellow Spinster Sisters, we truly sympathize with your situation. Second, we must commend you for actually surpassing the Spinsters in reaching the dating echelon of online advice madness. For, try as we might, to find the website that gives advice such as “looking fertile,” we came up empty. We did however, in our Internet searches, find milf-date.com, a Nigerian dating website, and a site in Iowa for fertile lesbians, but we don’t think that’s the site you meant. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a fertile lesbian, we’re just saying. It's not really our target audience. 

Now, since it’s a new year, we’ve decided that spinsters we need to get back to basics. Technology is expensive. There’s a recession going on. Who wants to spend their hard earned dollars on bad internet dating? Not us. We’re over it and you sound like you are too. So here’s what we propose -- stay with us here for a moment. Many spinsters are children of the 70’s and 80’s and we grew up watching Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley and Three’s Company, among others. If Arthur Fonzarelli can teach Richie Cunningham how to pick up “chicks” by slamming his grocery cart into them at the neighborhood Stop N’ Shop, then why can’t it work for us? After all, accidents happen. "Aaayyyyy." 

Laverne & Shirley always had Carmine, Lenny AND Squiggy fighting over them and not a Blackberry, iPhone, or Sidekick in sight. They were just two regular gals who drank beer and liked to bowl. Are you feeling our theme here? Basic. Basic is where it's at in 2009. Mr. Roper always heard something going on in Jack Tripper’s kitchen with nary a text message between Jack's secret girlfriend and his pretending-to-be-gay self. 

So that’s our motto for this new year. It’s back to basics for the Spinsters. Our resolution this year is to accidentally bump into, on to, or on top of our Prince Charming if it kills us, or him, (or his girlfriend) this year. So, get out there and meet people! We're thinking of playing the "clumsy" card and seeing where that takes us. There's something to be said for a "damsel in distress" -- whatever works. Cancel those online dating memberships and figure out where the single guys with jobs food shop in your area. Clean-up in aisle 12 never sounded so good. 

Dialing Geico,

 

The Spinsters

PS: Nikki went to the store this evening to try her luck and succeeded only in finding a scruffy guy who was opening packages of food and eating everything in the aisles. Grocery store pick-up: fail. There's always tomorrow. 

Spinster in Waiting

Dear Spinsters—

If a guy keeps telling me that he wants to go out with me, makes plans and then cancels each and every time, does that mean that he really does want to go out with me, but something else keeps coming up? Or does it mean something else? What’s the point of telling me he wants to see me if he just winds up canceling? He has done this to me at least two dozen times, but I still seem to keep saying yes to dates. I don’t get it. Help!

Jen in Tucson

Dear Waiting for Godot—

We have said it before and we’ll say it again: Your time is invaluable. As a spinster, time is your hottest commodity. You can’t buy, beg, borrow, or steal more, and everything just keeps falling tragically with the weight of gravity. Stop wasting your most precious asset on a Bozo who can’t keep the plans he makes.

But The Spinsters are sensitive to an individual’s odd proclivities. Perhaps you have a strange addiction to waiting? Does the mere mention of the phrase “take a number” get you hot and bothered? Does the thought of waiting in line for a port o’ potty at an outdoor concert make your parts all tingly? If those thoughts of never ending, monotonous minutes of your precious time being wasted makes your blood race, then you must love what this guy is doing for you. The sheer Spinticipation of the possibility of perhaps, perchance, maybe seeing Mr. Waste-o-Time must get your panties all in a hot bunch.

We’re going to go out on a spinster limb here and say that we believe that Break Plans Guy may have a thing for you. But that thing isn’t hot enough to keep him from canceling on you without a thought or regard for your time or feelings. It’s likely that he gets more satisfaction from knowing that he has you on the line than he does from actually seeing you. Imagine the ego boost he gets every time you say yes to plans, and the power trip he must get when he cancels. He sounds like a spinster’s dream guy.

Jen, we know why you keep saying yes to someone who’s obviously about as interested in dating you as a turkey is in playing Twister: Hope. You hope that his behavior will change because on some level you believe that he’s a valuable catch – maybe he’s hot, drives a Ferrari, can do E=Mc2 without using his fingers, can tie “it” a knot and swing it over his shoulder, or is Bret Michaels, whatever – we’re seriously hoping for your sake that you’re being Spinsterficial about wanting this guy, because if you’re lusting over his personality, we’d like to shake you, buy you a margarita, and then put you in the never-ending line at the DMV where you’ll feel comfy and have time to think about what a loser he his.

If you really want to see what Mr. No Show is made of, here’s what we suggest. Say yes the next time he asks you out on a date, but then add that you’d like to bring along a good friend who happens to be a Victoria Secret model who is in town and staying with you for a few days – and throw in that she’s into “experimenting” and just got back from Club Hedonism in Jamaica and is dying to show off her tan. He will manage to show up this time.

If you can, convince him to wait naked in his apartment with a ball-gag in his mouth. Yes, The Spinsters have a slightly mischievous streak. If you don’t have the guts for that, just leave him waiting in the bar for the “group sex that never was.” Then, go out for a fun night of guy-trolling with your gal pals. Send him a text message about an hour after your scheduled meeting telling him that your bikini model friend had peeked her head into the bar, saw him, and fled. You’re so sorry that you’re going to have to cancel plans. Tragic. But maybe next time?

Dusting off our ball-gags,

The Spinsters