Ask a Spinster

Spinster's Best Friend

Dear Spinsters--

My friend Steve and I have been best friends since we were 12.  We are now in our late 20’s. We have always been there for each other when the other has a bad break-up or problem in a relationship. Well, last week my boyfriend of 10 months ended things with me. I was totally devastated, and of course Steve was there to pick me up. Literally. We went out for drinks and I got completely wasted. Long story short, I woke up in his bed and realized we had sex! Now we are both trying to act as if nothing happened and even though things seem OK, they are not. Things between us are really weird. Help!
 
Beth in Washington

 
Dear Weirded Out,
 
First off, congratulations on finally sleeping with your best guy friend. Everyone does it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s kind of like a rite of passage between the sexes. We don’t know where this rite gets you passage to other than Weirdville, but that’s okay. Weirdville is nice this time of year.

Second, this could actually turn out to be a good thing. It sounds like you and Steve have the type of relationship that “no matter what” you will always be friends. Of course, seeing each other naked kind of blurs the lines, but hey, you were drunk, he was drunk, maybe he doesn’t remember. Or better yet, maybe he thinks it was the best sex he ever had and will tell you very shortly that you are the girl he has loved since you were kids and that he has just been waiting for the right moment to tell you -- or show you. 
 
But before we get to the, “Hey, this could be destiny” moment, we have to ask, how do you feel about Steve? Could this possibly be your forever man, or could this be a “never again in a million years” man? You both have been friends for so long and have shared so much that these questions beg answering.
 
On the other hand, there is the possibility of the initial “yuks” setting in for good. You know, that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you get your “freak on” with someone who is, uh, well, a little too freaky? The yuk feeling. Ah, yes, we know it well. Meredith is still trying to get over that feeling from having a similar night with her best guy friend -- and that was over ten years ago! Let’s hope you didn’t get the yuks with Steve. Let’s hope that this will end with “happily ever after,” like the movie, When Harry Met Sally. Perhaps Steve is your Harry and you are his Sally, and on New Year’s Eve Steve will run through the empty streets of Washington looking frantically for you, and when he finally spots you alone a party, he takes you in his arms and proclaims “It’s you, it’s you, it’s always been you!” Hey, sometimes life is like the movies. Right?
 
Passing the Kleenex, 
 
The Spinsters

Got a Question? We’re here to help.
Email us. Now. You have no time to waste.

Yes, we’re still single. So how can we help you, hottie spinster who wants to find true love? Well, we have over 40+ years of collective dating experience, the good, the bad, and the fugly (can you believe we just admitted to that?). We’re not going to tell you what to do -- that’s your mother’s job. We’re going to tell you what NOT to do. How to avoid wasting any more of your precious time on guys that don’t deserve a second look. We’re going to give you both the spin and the straight deal on what you’re doing “wrong,” or in reality, what THEY are doing wrong -- after all, our motto is “it’s not us, it’s them.” We stand by that and we’re willing to give you your money back if our advice doesn’t work for you. Of course, our advice is free, so don’t spend it all at once.

Email us here. We're at your service.

Questionable Spinster

Dear Spinsters--
 
I was recently at the beach and was making eyes with a guy nearby. He was so cute! I figured that he'd eventually walk over and say hi -- I know that it's important for the guy to make the first move. So, I was giving him my best eyes and smile. Then I noticed a tattoo of a question mark in a box on his lower back. Hmmm. I wonder what that meant. I'd never seen a guy with a tattoo in that spot before, just girls. Well, he didn't ever come over to me, and eventually just left. This is so strange -- usually guys approach me at the beach. Am I losing my mojo? 
 
Wanda from Panama City, Florida

 
Dear Clueless--
 
We have a question for you, is your gaydar broken or just in the “off” position? Any guy that has a question mark strategically placed just a few inches above the “exit” is either asking if someone wants to come in or asking if he, himself, should come out. You were giving all the right signals, short of inviting this hottie to come over and chat. Unfortunately, although you were making eyes at him, he was making eyes at the guy behind you. You just happened to be in the line of sight.
 
Here’s what you do: Build an elaborate sand castle and invite him to play. If he wants to help you build it, then maybe he’ll be your prince. If he wants you to crown him with seaweed and proclaims himself to be the Queen, then he’s just a friend, girl.
 
Not to fret, fellow spinster, there is a throne for every tush. Your questionable beach guy just happened to want an exclamation point to match his question mark. Hang in there, just keep your eyes open and eventually you will get someone to pop the question rather than finding someone questionable.
 
Dotting our ‘I’s and crossing our T’s,

The Spinsters

Got a Question? We’re here to help.
Email us. Now. You have no time to waste.

Yes, we’re still single. So how can we help you, hottie spinster who wants to find true love? Well, we have over 40+ years of collective dating experience, the good, the bad, and the fugly (can you believe we just admitted to that?). We’re not going to tell you what to do -- that’s your mother’s job. We’re going to tell you what NOT to do. How to avoid wasting any more of your precious time on guys that don’t deserve a second look. We’re going to give you both the spin and the straight deal on what you’re doing “wrong,” or in reality, what THEY are doing wrong -- after all, our motto is “it’s not us, it’s them.” We stand by that and we’re willing to give you your money back if our advice doesn’t work for you. Of course, our advice is free, so don’t spend it all at once.

Email us here. We're at your service.

Blind Luck Spinster

Dear Spinsters--

When I was 18 my best friend set me up with her boyfriend's best friend. It was my first and last good blind date -- we dated for almost two years. I’m nearly 20 years older, and for some reason, whenever a friend tries to set me up, it almost never works out. Have I used up all of my blind date luck?

Maggie in Seattle

Dear Outta Luck--

We wonder what you mean by “it almost never works out.” Does this mean that it almost sometimes works out too? Like, sometimes you wake up the next morning with your hair mussed and the alleged blind date snoring next to you as you reach under the bed for your panties? We don’t consider that bad luck, girl. That’s “getting lucky” in our book!

We don’t think that you’ve used up all of your blind date luck. We believe that since your first blind date was so successful, you have very high expectations for blind dates now, so when Mr. Blind Date doesn’t call you back after that hot one-nighter, you’re left wondering where he went.

Listen, blind dates are really weird -- everyone knows that. Well-meaning friends think that just because two people are single, they will hit it off. Meredith has set Nikki up with countless guys (truly, we can’t count that high) and it has not once worked out for the best. In fact, most of the guys were really odd. If you want to know if you’re really out of blind date luck, have Mer set you up with someone. Then you’ll know for sure -- she has a never-ending supply of single weirdoes to set her girlfriends up with. One has to wonder -- why doesn’t she date these guys herself? It’s one of those questions for the ages.

Gettin’ lucky,

The Spinsters

Got a Question? We’re here to help.
Email us. Now. You have no time to waste.

Yes, we’re still single. So how can we help you, hottie spinster who wants to find true love? Well, we have over 40+ years of collective dating experience, the good, the bad, and the fugly (can you believe we just admitted to that?). We’re not going to tell you what to do -- that’s your mother’s job. We’re going to tell you what NOT to do. How to avoid wasting any more of your precious time on guys that don’t deserve a second look. We’re going to give you both the spin and the straight deal on what you’re doing “wrong,” or in reality, what THEY are doing wrong -- after all, our motto is “it’s not us, it’s them.” We stand by that and we’re willing to give you your money back if our advice doesn’t work for you. Of course, our advice is free, so don’t spend it all at once.

Email us here. We're at your service.

The Spinster Gimmick

Dear Spinsters--
 
I am in shock. I was just watching one of those magazine shows and they were doing a story on how that guy John Mark Carr, the whack-job that claimed he killed Jean Benet Ramsey, was engaged! ENGAGED, I TELL YOU! I have never murdered anybody -- not even a little girl -- and I can't even get a boyfriend! What is wrong with this world? I’m just a normal girl looking for love. Please tell me what I’m missing here.
 
Jackie in Coral Springs

 
Dear Missing--

Ah, yes, we know this phenomenon well. We have seen similar things. Here are our favorite examples:

Siamese twin girls, joined at the head -- ONE of them is married.
The 600 pound woman married to the 130 pound guy.
Serial killers and murders who get married in prison -- with NO hope of parole, yet in love.

We often say to ourselves, “Selves, we’re not Siamese twins, we weigh an average of 112 pounds (not including water weight fluctuation), and we are neither serial killers, nor in jail -- yet, we are single.” On one of these particular days we came up with the reason -- we have no gimmick. All of these other people have a gimmick. We, being above-average cute, smart, and cool, are just like all of the other single, cute, smart, cool girls out there. There are scads of us. However, there are only a handful of eligible Siamese twins, 600 pound women, and serial killers. So, you have to come up with a gimmick that will attract a husband. We were thinking of gaining 500 pounds each, sewing our heads together, and then killing a bunch of people, but it has SO been done before. You have to find something that no one has done. We’re not sure what that is, but please let us know when you’ve found it.

500 pounds to go,

The Spinsters

Got a Question? We’re here to help.
Email us. Now. You have no time to waste.

Yes, we’re still single. So how can we help you, hottie spinster who wants to find true love? Well, we have over 40+ years of collective dating experience, the good, the bad, and the fugly (can you believe we just admitted to that?). We’re not going to tell you what to do -- that’s your mother’s job. We’re going to tell you what NOT to do. How to avoid wasting any more of your precious time on guys that don’t deserve a second look. We’re going to give you both the spin and the straight deal on what you’re doing “wrong,” or in reality, what THEY are doing wrong -- after all, our motto is “it’s not us, it’s them.” We stand by that and we’re willing to give you your money back if our advice doesn’t work for you. Of course, our advice is free, so don’t spend it all at once.

Email us here. We're at your service.

Hall of Fame Famous Spinsters: Tyra Banks, Model, TV Host, Diva

We love Tyra for so many reasons. First, she was a Sports Illustrated AND a Victoria Secret model AND she’s a spinster, like us. So, it just goes to show that everyone has trouble with men, not just us mere mortals. Secondly, she has managed to turn her career as a model into a huge career as a TV personality -- still single. Did we mention that as a spinster she’s as hot as she was back in the day -- still single. Tyra, you are our hero. Now, if you get engaged or married in the next couple of years, you will be our GODDESS and an example for spinsters everywhere. The hills are older than us spinsters, but we still manage to get the guy. Right? RIGHT? Come on, Tyra, lead us.

Our Hall of Fame is a list of our fave famous spinsters. Have one you'd like to add? Email us.

Hall of Fame Famous Spinsters: Granny, Tweety's Owner

Yeah, she’s called “Granny,” but she’s not fooling anyone. That’s just a sweet name for an old spinster who lives alone with a cat and a bird. We don’t know much about her younger years, but we do know that at one point she was being fought over by both Yosemite Sam and -- get this -- Bugs Bunny. Perhaps that’s why she’s a spinster. She can’t figure out if she likes “no tail” or “cotton tail.” It’s an age old dilemma. Now, in her golden years, she can only look back on her wild days of romping on the rim of Old Faithful and engaging in long nights of bestiality. Oh, and she doesn’t wear a bra. See photo.

Our Hall of Fame is a list of our fave famous spinsters. Have one you'd like to add? Email us.

Hall of Fame Famous Spinsters: Emily Dickinson, Poet

Wild Nights   Wild nights! Wild nights! Were I with thee, Wild nights should be Our luxury! Futile the winds To a heart in port, Done with the compass, Done with the chart, Rowing in Eden! Ah! the sea! Might I but moor To-night in thee!

And they say that a recluse poet can’t have any fun! Well, wild nights are our luxury too, said the Spinsters. We love Emily because, first of all, she’s hot in that Victorian shut-in kind of way. Second of all, she was in love with a reverend -- how taboo, how chic, how Jerry Springer. She was very fashion-forward in her proclivities. Also, she almost exclusively wore white dresses -- clearly, she desired to be a bride.

Our Hall of Fame is a list of our fave famous spinsters. Have one you'd like to add? Email us.

Hall of Fame Famous Spinsters: Ru Paul, Diva

Ru Paul is the penultimate spinster -- great legs, tall, perfect skin, and a killer diva. She’s a Mac makeup spokesperson, AND a songstress -- we all want to “work it, girl,” don’t we? If she can’t find a man to marry, is there hope for the rest of us?

Our Hall of Fame is a list of our fave famous spinsters. Have one you'd like to add? Email us.

Hall of Fame Famous Spinsters: Lavergne (but not Shirley), Beer Wench

This quirky spinster schlemieled and schlamazeleded her way into our hearts. She was almost married twice -- once to a sailor named Sal Molina, but she didn’t love him, and again to a firefighter named Randy, but he perished in the line of duty. Isn’t that always the way? We love her all the more because, after years of listening to Shirley whine about not having “relations” with Carmine Ragusa, Laverne was left behind and didn’t even get to be a bride’s maid at Shirley’s elopement. That bitch Shirley even left Booboo Kitty behind -- leaving Laverne like most spinsters -- alone with a cat.

Our Hall of Fame is a list of our fave famous spinsters. Have one you'd like to add? Email us.

Hall of Fame Famous Spinsters: Betty Boop, Cartoon Tart

Oh, Betty! All that innocent skirt-lifting and coy, side-long smiles got her pretty much nowhere with the men folk. Yes, she has a big head and matching booty, but an even bigger heart. Doesn’t that count for something? What is a nice Jewish girl supposed to do but flaunt her cleavage and big ass, like the rest of us yentas? The thing we love about her most is her jazzy sense of style, her sex-appeal, and her adorable, come-hither giggle. Maybe she stayed single because of her fetish for role play -- her wardrobe ranged from hoola girl to hooker. Well, there’s a seat for every tush. Boop-boop-a-doop!

Our Hall of Fame is a list of our fave famous spinsters. Have one you'd like to add? Email us.

Hall of Fame Famous Spinsters: The Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe, Child Abuser

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children she didn't know what to do. She gave them some broth without any bread, Then whipped them all soundly And put them to bed.

Wait! Before you call the Department of Children and Families, we’d like to explain why we included this struggling single mother in our roll call of spinsters we love. First, though she might not be such a looker, she has her own place, and clearly also has a job. And she loves shoes, which brings her close to our hearts. Ok, she hits and starves kids, and we don’t endorse that, but perhaps she’s trying to counteract the epidemic of childhood obesity in America. And, she’s economical, because broth can feed a lot more children than a scant piece of bread. All this savvy spinster has to do is wait for the kids to grow up and move out (or die of starvation) and we’re sure that some debonaire guy will come along and sweep her off her foot.

Our Hall of Fame is a list of our fave famous spinsters. Have one you'd like to add? Email us.

Hall of Fame Famous Spinsters: Oprah Winfrey, Media Pioneer

How much do we love Oprah? THIS MUCH! She’s self-made, stylish, and generous -- everything every spinster should aspire to be. And even though she could marry Steadmond, we’ve heard that she CHOSE not to. Nuff said.

Our Hall of Fame is a list of our fave famous spinsters. Have one you'd like to add? Email us.