Spinster in Waiting

Dear Spinsters—

If a guy keeps telling me that he wants to go out with me, makes plans and then cancels each and every time, does that mean that he really does want to go out with me, but something else keeps coming up? Or does it mean something else? What’s the point of telling me he wants to see me if he just winds up canceling? He has done this to me at least two dozen times, but I still seem to keep saying yes to dates. I don’t get it. Help!

Jen in Tucson

Dear Waiting for Godot—

We have said it before and we’ll say it again: Your time is invaluable. As a spinster, time is your hottest commodity. You can’t buy, beg, borrow, or steal more, and everything just keeps falling tragically with the weight of gravity. Stop wasting your most precious asset on a Bozo who can’t keep the plans he makes.

But The Spinsters are sensitive to an individual’s odd proclivities. Perhaps you have a strange addiction to waiting? Does the mere mention of the phrase “take a number” get you hot and bothered? Does the thought of waiting in line for a port o’ potty at an outdoor concert make your parts all tingly? If those thoughts of never ending, monotonous minutes of your precious time being wasted makes your blood race, then you must love what this guy is doing for you. The sheer Spinticipation of the possibility of perhaps, perchance, maybe seeing Mr. Waste-o-Time must get your panties all in a hot bunch.

We’re going to go out on a spinster limb here and say that we believe that Break Plans Guy may have a thing for you. But that thing isn’t hot enough to keep him from canceling on you without a thought or regard for your time or feelings. It’s likely that he gets more satisfaction from knowing that he has you on the line than he does from actually seeing you. Imagine the ego boost he gets every time you say yes to plans, and the power trip he must get when he cancels. He sounds like a spinster’s dream guy.

Jen, we know why you keep saying yes to someone who’s obviously about as interested in dating you as a turkey is in playing Twister: Hope. You hope that his behavior will change because on some level you believe that he’s a valuable catch – maybe he’s hot, drives a Ferrari, can do E=Mc2 without using his fingers, can tie “it” a knot and swing it over his shoulder, or is Bret Michaels, whatever – we’re seriously hoping for your sake that you’re being Spinsterficial about wanting this guy, because if you’re lusting over his personality, we’d like to shake you, buy you a margarita, and then put you in the never-ending line at the DMV where you’ll feel comfy and have time to think about what a loser he his.

If you really want to see what Mr. No Show is made of, here’s what we suggest. Say yes the next time he asks you out on a date, but then add that you’d like to bring along a good friend who happens to be a Victoria Secret model who is in town and staying with you for a few days – and throw in that she’s into “experimenting” and just got back from Club Hedonism in Jamaica and is dying to show off her tan. He will manage to show up this time.

If you can, convince him to wait naked in his apartment with a ball-gag in his mouth. Yes, The Spinsters have a slightly mischievous streak. If you don’t have the guts for that, just leave him waiting in the bar for the “group sex that never was.” Then, go out for a fun night of guy-trolling with your gal pals. Send him a text message about an hour after your scheduled meeting telling him that your bikini model friend had peeked her head into the bar, saw him, and fled. You’re so sorry that you’re going to have to cancel plans. Tragic. But maybe next time?

Dusting off our ball-gags,

The Spinsters

Comments

[Michelle]

Ball gags huh...wonder where the spinsters got that idea from? :)