We interrupt the Letter of the Day for a Spinster Public
Service Announcement. We have been receiving a lot of questions recently about
a spinster’s seeming inability to choose a suitable mate. The Spinsters have
found, using our highly unscientific research methods, that after years of
misuse and mishandling, some of a single woman’s internal mate-picking
mechanisms become broken, faulty, and useless. We will list just a few of these
here – see if you find yourself among these examples:
Lydar: The first mechanism to break is the Lydar, the radar that flashes when a man is lying. As spinsters age, the Lydar becomes weakened by all of the lies we are told. Every time woman believes a male lie, the Lydar becomes more ineffective. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen to every spinster. It’s a little known fact that every time a spinster catches on to a male lie, an angel gets its wings.
Mistress-o-meter: The ability to recognize whether or not a man is married becomes weakened or breaks as a woman gets into spinsterhood. Younger women whose Mistress-o-meter is wired correctly will notice the tan line around a married man’s finger – a spinster may not.
Gaydar: A handsome, well-dressed, well-groomed, funny and articulate guy might look like a catch to a spinster, but he’s actually often looking for Mr. Right too. In her 20’s, a woman’s Gaydar (gay radar) is still under warranty, and works perfectly. Somewhere around age 35, the warranty runs out and the spinster starts to wonder why the great dancer at the club with the platform heels, perfectly gelled hair, and nipple ring doesn’t ask her out.
Tolerancetolometer: A woman in her 20s is more apt to walk out the door when a guy lies/is mean/cheats/sells naked photos of her on Ebay behind her back because her Tolerancetolometer is working correctly. A spinster’s Tolerancetolometer often goes haywire, and she is uncannily able to put up with a lot of undesirable behavior, and rather than walk out, she will ask for “her cut” from any profits derived from the sale of photos of her ass.
Sponging-broke-ass-sleeping-on-his-sister’s-couch-living-out-of-a-plastic-bag-down-by-the-river Apparatus: This one is speaks for itself.
The Deranged Doohickey: As a single woman gets older, her Deranged Doohickey, which comes equipped with a kill switch, gets either turned off or is smashed to smithereens, especially if she has been doing a lot of online dating. The absence of the Doohickey allows crazies, psychos, and lunatics to slip in under the radar. A madman would ping a younger girl’s Doohickey, but a spinster is left vulnerable.
These malfunctions don’t happen to all spinsters, or may occur as one or more mechanical failures. This is why we recommend that spinsters run in pairs – if you know that one of your mechanisms has been weakened over the years, choose a “spinster sister,” a gal pal who has what you lack to give you advice and spincouragement. For example, Nikki’s Gaydar is nonexistent, so she goes to Meredith when the guy in the floral dress asks her to tea -- Meredith has to explain that this isn’t a real date. Meredith’s Lydar is broken, so Nikki has to explain that the reason he has leave her at 6 pm every night is because he has to make the bus for his work-release program.
Spinsters helping spinsters – that’s what this is all about.
Leaning on each other,
The Spinsters
Got a Question? We’re here to help. Email us. Now. You have no time to waste.
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