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Spinster Needs a Redbull

IStock_000005138809XSmall My Dear Spinsters in Comrade--

 

I first of all have to say – WOW.  I have read all of your posts and have one word to say, "brilliant!" Thank you, thank you for being spinster-sisters and inspiration to so many. Now for my question. I am at a cross-roads here. As a 36 year old spinster who prides herself in being therapized, self-aware, and with her own dating horror show, I am torn. I would love to be married and a mother . . . I have literally done everything in the past few years to make that happen (although I can still smell the desperation lingering in my laundry basket). Now, I feel done, although these wants of mine are still pretty pervasive. How does a spinster-in-arms rejuvenate after years of eHarmony, bad dates, all of the meters being awry (thanks for the Public Service Announcement), and the total calamity of dating in a city where dating is notorious? Other than "looking fertile" as one website states as their hallmark of advice, what are some promising ways of sanely getting out there again and hitting the pavement . . . without absolutely exhausting one's self?


Johanna 


Dear Technologically Exhausted--

First we must thank you for your kind words. Our Spinster hearts go out to you. And as your fellow Spinster Sisters, we truly sympathize with your situation. Second, we must commend you for actually surpassing the Spinsters in reaching the dating echelon of online advice madness. For, try as we might, to find the website that gives advice such as “looking fertile,” we came up empty. We did however, in our Internet searches, find milf-date.com, a Nigerian dating website, and a site in Iowa for fertile lesbians, but we don’t think that’s the site you meant. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a fertile lesbian, we’re just saying. It's not really our target audience. 

Now, since it’s a new year, we’ve decided that spinsters we need to get back to basics. Technology is expensive. There’s a recession going on. Who wants to spend their hard earned dollars on bad internet dating? Not us. We’re over it and you sound like you are too. So here’s what we propose -- stay with us here for a moment. Many spinsters are children of the 70’s and 80’s and we grew up watching Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley and Three’s Company, among others. If Arthur Fonzarelli can teach Richie Cunningham how to pick up “chicks” by slamming his grocery cart into them at the neighborhood Stop N’ Shop, then why can’t it work for us? After all, accidents happen. "Aaayyyyy." 


Laverne & Shirley always had Carmine, Lenny AND Squiggy fighting over them and not a Blackberry, iPhone, or Sidekick in sight. They were just two regular gals who drank beer and liked to bowl. Are you feeling our theme here? Basic. Basic is where it's at in 2009. Mr. Roper always heard something going on in Jack Tripper’s kitchen with nary a text message between Jack's secret girlfriend and his pretending-to-be-gay self. 

So that’s our motto for this new year. It’s back to basics for the Spinsters. Our resolution this year is to accidentally bump into, on to, or on top of our Prince Charming if it kills us, or him, (or his girlfriend) this year. So, get out there and meet people! We're thinking of playing the "clumsy" card and seeing where that takes us. There's something to be said for a "damsel in distress" -- whatever works. Cancel those online dating memberships and figure out where the single guys with jobs food shop in your area. Clean-up in aisle 12 never sounded so good. 

Dialing Geico,

 

The Spinsters


PS: Nikki went to the store this evening to try her luck and succeeded only in finding a scruffy guy who was opening packages of food and eating everything in the aisles. Grocery store pick-up: fail. There's always tomorrow. 

Posted at 11:39 PM in Ask a Spinster Letters |

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LETTER OF THE DAY

  • Need some dating advice and want your letter to appear as one of our "letters of the day?" Just email the Spinsters!

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WE'RE BRINGING SPINSTER BACK

  • Welcome to Ask a Spinster!

    spin·ster: (noun)
    1.a woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying.
    2.a woman who has never married and seems unlikely of marrying.
    3.a woman whose occupation is spinning.

    spin·ster spin:
    1. (noun) the rationalization that the freak you’re dating is really into you.
    2.(verb) asking your girlfriends to help you rationalize the obnoxious, selfish, bizarre, and doltish behavior from the guy you’re dating.

What's Ask a Spinster All About?

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Who Are "The Spinsters?"

  • Nikki, MA, MFA is a reluctantly single gal who splits her time between New York City and Miami Beach. She is a full-time freelance writer with 35 books to her credit, including “Not Another Feel-good Single’s Book” (Penguin) and many hundreds of articles in dozens of national magazines. She is the host of MSN’s webisode show, The Celebrity Pet Dish, and her other site, Dogfessions has been turned into coffee table book from HarperCollins Publishers. Her other "brain-children" include: Pugfessions, Catfessions, Rockfessions, Wishfessions, Lovefessions, and Bullyfessions.

    In her free time, you can find her either on the beach, on a date with some hot stud, or romping around NYC or Miami Beach with her friends.

    Meredith Rae is a former columnist for the famed website Dating911.com where she shared her tales of dating woe with internet elite in the late 90’s. An actress for over twenty years and a member of AEA and SAG, she has worked on Broadway, regional theaters, and off-broadway, also specializing in voice-over work and musical theater -- it has long been suspected that this could be the reason for her poor choice in men. Meredith can currently be found on hiatus in Florida raising her 5 year old son, trying to recover from the knocks and pings of the New York dating scene, while trying to find her Prince Charming, or at this point a guy with a decent FICO score. In her free time, Meredith is chasing her son around the playground, avoiding stalkers she has met online, and trying to come up with a cure for aging.

    Email The Spinsters here.

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The Ask a Spinster Manifesto

  • In the early 19th Century, unmarried women were given the job of spinning cloth. Later, “spinster” became a scary word, like “witch,” and all because she didn’t have a man (and probably because spinning cloth turned her hands into claws, and you can’t fix your bangs with claws). A spinster was a frumpy, depressed, unmarried woman living in the shadows of society, often residing in an attic or other dusty hovel.

    Sister, we’re here to smash that ugly picture! Today’s spinsters are cool, hip hotties and strong, confident women who want to find normal guys – we’re not spinning cloth anymore, we’re taking spinning classes at the gym. We’re making lemon Martinis out of lemons, trying to have some fun in dating purgatory, guy or no guy (though we admit it’s more fun with one – or two). Depressed? Hardly! OK, sometimes. But there are great behavioral meds for that now. There’s no reason to mope. We’re here, we’re spinsters, get used to it. Until our wedding day. Then bring us toasters.

    If you’re like us, a “woman of a certain age,” and you know you’re all that and a bag of baked-not-fried chips, and you’re still looking for your proverbial Prince Charming, then this site is for you. After all, who better to ask about dating than two swank spinsters who have seen and heard it all? OK, yes, we’re still single. So how can we help you, sexy, smart, awesome spinster who wants to find true love? Well, we have over 40+ years of collective dating experience, the good, the bad, and the fugly (can you believe we just admitted to that?). We’ll help you with everything from fashion advice to what to say on a bad date – or the best way to crawl through a restaurant’s bathroom window without tearing your pantyhose. Oh, and if you’re still wearing pantyhose, we want to discuss that with you too.

    None of the spinsters we know want to be spinsters forever, so we’re here to prevent you from making the dating mistakes we’ve made. If dating was a parking lot, we’ve already hit all the speed bumps, so you don’t have to (unless that’s your thing, who are we to judge?). We’re not going to tell you what to do – that’s your mother’s job – but rather, we’re here to show you how to avoid wasting any more of your precious time on guys that don’t deserve a second look. As a spinster, your most valuable commodity is time, and one nanosecond thinking about Mr. Wrong is one nanosecond you won’t get back. Yes, spinsters think in nanoseconds. We have no time to waste.

    The bottom line is this: When a woman gets to “a certain age,” you have to date differently. Your dating style must become as streamlined as possible, and your “weeding out” process should be as efficient as a Black and Decker weed wacker. You are not 22 anymore (but hey, neither are we). We’re not saying that there’s no time for “just having fun,” but we’re suggesting that most of the fun should be had with someone you can actually envision yourself with for the long term. Sure, the club bouncer with the tattoo on his face is smokin’ hot, and the dreadlocked hippy guy that sells braided hemp bracelets downtown is adorable, but we can’t sanction those choices anymore. Date smart. Date spinster style.

    In our answers to your questions, we’re going to give you both the “spinster spin,” the hopeful and often ridiculous excuses we make for the guys we all date, and the straight deal on what’s going wrong in a dating situation, usually what they are doing wrong – after all, our motto is “it’s not us, it’s them.” We stand by that. Our advice is real, and we don’t tiptoe around delicate topics. We’re spinsters, not your therapist. But what about the theory that you should only take advice from someone who’s successful at what you’re trying to do? In this case, like, married people? When did the friends of your age get married? Ten, fifteen, twenty years ago? Are they divorced, or on their second or third marriages? Yes, that’s what we thought. Times they are ‘a changin’. Your married friends have nothing on us in the advice department. They have no clue what’s going on out there. We do and we’re here to share it with you.

    This site is comprised primarily of letters we’ve gotten from spinsters just like you (sexy, great, normal, super cool and datable). We’ve also included members from our “Hall of Shame,” stories of guys we’ve dated that will make your hair curl. You’ll also find our “Hall of Fame,” famous spinsters we have highlighted to prove that you can be a spinster and not be relegated to the attic.

    “Spinster” is our word now. We’re not going to let it have a negative connotation anymore. True, labels suck, but they exist, so you might as well wear it with pride. We’re bringing spinster back. Who’s with us?

    --Nikki and Meredith, "The Spinsters"

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