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Spinster and the Uncomfortable Questions

IStock_000000345663XSmall Dear Spinsters--
 
What do I say in response to the frequently asked impertinent question, "Why didn't you ever marry?"  (note the past tense).  Sometimes people even ask me if I am gay, and I admit, sometimes I say "yes" just to stop their nosiness! I am "of a certain age" but I am happily, by choice, not married. 
 
Midwestern Spinster

 



Dear Unwed--

Ah, yes, the “why aren’t you married yet?” question. A question that will forever stick in the craw of the "unweddingly challenged." Our craws are overflowing with such questions, causing much pain and swelling -- and no craw ointment in sight. 


We have also been the recipient of the "are you a lesbian" question a few too many times as well. This thoughtful question is usually reserved for a large function, like a family or class reunion, or Thanksgiving dinner. Honey, it's just not a holiday until you’re weeping inconsolably into your Shawn Cassidy pillowcase, screaming, "I'm not a lesbian! I just can't find a freakin' boyfriend!" No matter how many times you play "I Think I Love You," Shawn isn't going to come waltzing in with a ring and save you from the Isle of Lesbos queries. Or was it David Cassidy who thought he might love us, but what was he afraid of? The Spinsters' old heartthrobs are getting mixed up in their dating-addled brains. 

You mentioned that sometimes you even "admit" that you’re gay, just to get people out of your business. We've never done that ourselves, but we're sure that it wreaks havoc over the turkey and stuffing. We'd love a YouTube video of that! We bet that it shuts Aunt Edna right up. There's nothing wrong with being gay, and the "admission" probably puts everyone right into their place. Serves 'em right for asking. Hey, you might as well break out a rainbow flag and really freak everyone out. 


But the questions "why aren't you married yet?" and "are you a lesbian?" are much less offensive than "why didn't you ever marry?" That's just plain rude. Have they all given up on you? Is it time to start adopting cats and letting your yard become overrun with weeds? You mention that you're not married by choice. More power to you, sister! Unfortunately, that's not our situation, but we're here to support our spinster sisters. Marriage probably isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway, right? We don't know for sure, but we're not naive -- we've seen what it did for Brittany and K-Fed. Shudder. 


Since we hadn't ever been asked the marriage question quite that way, we posed the question to ourselves: "Why haven't you ever married?" Meredith passed out and Nikki had to run for the smelling salts. Meredith came back to consciousness mumbling, "I do, I do, I do," clutching her head and yelling, "I wanted the eggshell veil with the pearl beading!" It seems that the question was too much for her. Nikki had to create a make-shift veil out of an egg carton just to calm Meredith down. Mer is now convalescing in an undisclosed location. We can't pose that question to her again. Her nerves aren't made for such stern stuff. It seems that the "yet" of the question is critical for most spinsters -- why aren't you married YET. Jeez, people, give us a break! 


As for you, our darling Midwestern Spinster, we say to just give 'em the finger. Yes, the bird. Flip them off. Your choices and your happiness are none of anyone's business. Aunt Edna can handle it. And if she can't, just tell her The Spinsters made you do it. 

Pleading the 5th, 


The Spinsters

Posted at 12:03 AM in Ask a Spinster Letters |

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LETTER OF THE DAY

  • Need some dating advice and want your letter to appear as one of our "letters of the day?" Just email the Spinsters!

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WE'RE BRINGING SPINSTER BACK

  • Welcome to Ask a Spinster!

    spin·ster: (noun)
    1.a woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying.
    2.a woman who has never married and seems unlikely of marrying.
    3.a woman whose occupation is spinning.

    spin·ster spin:
    1. (noun) the rationalization that the freak you’re dating is really into you.
    2.(verb) asking your girlfriends to help you rationalize the obnoxious, selfish, bizarre, and doltish behavior from the guy you’re dating.

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Who Are "The Spinsters?"

  • Nikki, MA, MFA is a reluctantly single gal who splits her time between New York City and Miami Beach. She is a full-time freelance writer with 35 books to her credit, including “Not Another Feel-good Single’s Book” (Penguin) and many hundreds of articles in dozens of national magazines. She is the host of MSN’s webisode show, The Celebrity Pet Dish, and her other site, Dogfessions has been turned into coffee table book from HarperCollins Publishers. Her other "brain-children" include: Pugfessions, Catfessions, Rockfessions, Wishfessions, Lovefessions, and Bullyfessions.

    In her free time, you can find her either on the beach, on a date with some hot stud, or romping around NYC or Miami Beach with her friends.

    Meredith Rae is a former columnist for the famed website Dating911.com where she shared her tales of dating woe with internet elite in the late 90’s. An actress for over twenty years and a member of AEA and SAG, she has worked on Broadway, regional theaters, and off-broadway, also specializing in voice-over work and musical theater -- it has long been suspected that this could be the reason for her poor choice in men. Meredith can currently be found on hiatus in Florida raising her 5 year old son, trying to recover from the knocks and pings of the New York dating scene, while trying to find her Prince Charming, or at this point a guy with a decent FICO score. In her free time, Meredith is chasing her son around the playground, avoiding stalkers she has met online, and trying to come up with a cure for aging.

    Email The Spinsters here.

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The Ask a Spinster Manifesto

  • In the early 19th Century, unmarried women were given the job of spinning cloth. Later, “spinster” became a scary word, like “witch,” and all because she didn’t have a man (and probably because spinning cloth turned her hands into claws, and you can’t fix your bangs with claws). A spinster was a frumpy, depressed, unmarried woman living in the shadows of society, often residing in an attic or other dusty hovel.

    Sister, we’re here to smash that ugly picture! Today’s spinsters are cool, hip hotties and strong, confident women who want to find normal guys – we’re not spinning cloth anymore, we’re taking spinning classes at the gym. We’re making lemon Martinis out of lemons, trying to have some fun in dating purgatory, guy or no guy (though we admit it’s more fun with one – or two). Depressed? Hardly! OK, sometimes. But there are great behavioral meds for that now. There’s no reason to mope. We’re here, we’re spinsters, get used to it. Until our wedding day. Then bring us toasters.

    If you’re like us, a “woman of a certain age,” and you know you’re all that and a bag of baked-not-fried chips, and you’re still looking for your proverbial Prince Charming, then this site is for you. After all, who better to ask about dating than two swank spinsters who have seen and heard it all? OK, yes, we’re still single. So how can we help you, sexy, smart, awesome spinster who wants to find true love? Well, we have over 40+ years of collective dating experience, the good, the bad, and the fugly (can you believe we just admitted to that?). We’ll help you with everything from fashion advice to what to say on a bad date – or the best way to crawl through a restaurant’s bathroom window without tearing your pantyhose. Oh, and if you’re still wearing pantyhose, we want to discuss that with you too.

    None of the spinsters we know want to be spinsters forever, so we’re here to prevent you from making the dating mistakes we’ve made. If dating was a parking lot, we’ve already hit all the speed bumps, so you don’t have to (unless that’s your thing, who are we to judge?). We’re not going to tell you what to do – that’s your mother’s job – but rather, we’re here to show you how to avoid wasting any more of your precious time on guys that don’t deserve a second look. As a spinster, your most valuable commodity is time, and one nanosecond thinking about Mr. Wrong is one nanosecond you won’t get back. Yes, spinsters think in nanoseconds. We have no time to waste.

    The bottom line is this: When a woman gets to “a certain age,” you have to date differently. Your dating style must become as streamlined as possible, and your “weeding out” process should be as efficient as a Black and Decker weed wacker. You are not 22 anymore (but hey, neither are we). We’re not saying that there’s no time for “just having fun,” but we’re suggesting that most of the fun should be had with someone you can actually envision yourself with for the long term. Sure, the club bouncer with the tattoo on his face is smokin’ hot, and the dreadlocked hippy guy that sells braided hemp bracelets downtown is adorable, but we can’t sanction those choices anymore. Date smart. Date spinster style.

    In our answers to your questions, we’re going to give you both the “spinster spin,” the hopeful and often ridiculous excuses we make for the guys we all date, and the straight deal on what’s going wrong in a dating situation, usually what they are doing wrong – after all, our motto is “it’s not us, it’s them.” We stand by that. Our advice is real, and we don’t tiptoe around delicate topics. We’re spinsters, not your therapist. But what about the theory that you should only take advice from someone who’s successful at what you’re trying to do? In this case, like, married people? When did the friends of your age get married? Ten, fifteen, twenty years ago? Are they divorced, or on their second or third marriages? Yes, that’s what we thought. Times they are ‘a changin’. Your married friends have nothing on us in the advice department. They have no clue what’s going on out there. We do and we’re here to share it with you.

    This site is comprised primarily of letters we’ve gotten from spinsters just like you (sexy, great, normal, super cool and datable). We’ve also included members from our “Hall of Shame,” stories of guys we’ve dated that will make your hair curl. You’ll also find our “Hall of Fame,” famous spinsters we have highlighted to prove that you can be a spinster and not be relegated to the attic.

    “Spinster” is our word now. We’re not going to let it have a negative connotation anymore. True, labels suck, but they exist, so you might as well wear it with pride. We’re bringing spinster back. Who’s with us?

    --Nikki and Meredith, "The Spinsters"

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